Being a strong teammate as a couple while creating healthy boundaries with the In-Laws

Besides holidays, summer is the time where family members visit each other, ranging from staying only for a few days to a few months. One of the major concerns expressed by my young couple clients is about how their marital stress is related to their interactions with their in-laws and/or with their own family. For instance, one spouse may be very loyal to their own family of origin, and may not be aware that the marriage is unintentionally placed on a lower priority than their own family. Over time the other spouse may not feel feel valued and respected and subsequently, resentment and loneliness start to build in the marriage that slowly turns the couple away from each other. Similarly, few individuals would go extreme where they would cut themselves off from their own family after they marry due to various reasons. In this article, I focus on helping married couples who struggle with having balanced and healthy boundaries with their own family or in-laws.

The five essential principles that help you balance and have healthy boundaries between your marriage and your family of origin (FOO) are as follows:

1. Creating a strong sense of “We-ness” as a marital union is the most critical step. In particular, for those who come from the background of Chinese culture, the concept of filial piety is a deeply ingrained belief and that requires newly wed young couples to pivot on their marriage. To be clear though, couples’ focus on their marriage does NOT mean to cut their ties from their family of origin. Creating a we-ness as a marital union ensures that couples place marriage as the first priority and still maintain a healthy relationships with the in-laws. Without establishing the mindset of partnering as a strong team, in the long-run your spouse may not feel mattered and valued, and bitterness and distance creeps into your marriage.

2. Make an intentional effort to have proactive communication with your spouse when it comes to having a visit or event with the in-laws. As mentioned previously, to build on great teams, each member knows exactly what is expected of them, what their role is, and what they’re trying to achieve. Making an intentional effort to have several conversations regarding the visit with the in-laws, including big or small matters. For example, discuss the budget to dine in the restaurant, how much time will be spent in together with everyone or with one spouse alone time (e.g. my mother in law with my husband / my father in law with my wife). In my practice, married young couples are benefited from leaning the importance of being proactive about discussing and planning about their interactions with their in-laws, and they have a greater success to prevent unnecessary conflicts with their in-laws from happening. Planning ahead helps prevent a reactive mode that often falls back to the old, unchanged family patterns.

3. Expressing your expectations and setting realistic expectations with your spouse from the start. Boundaries can come in the form of setting realistic expectations. If our expectations are not communicated or are very different from someone else’s it can seem like boundaries were crossed, and neither the adult children/ spouse nor the in-law parents feel respected. For instance, the parents of the husband plan to visit and live with the couple in their home for one month. How would the couple feel about having their privacy for themselves apart from spending time with the husband’s parents? If the husband’s parents have their own preferences about the ways in which the meals should be prepared, or the laundry should be done, or even the ways that the baby should be cared, what would the couple approach to these situations in a way that they can talk about their feelings as a couple as well as handle these issues peacefully with the husband’s parents?

4. Be on the same page as your spouse. Whether your relationship with your in-laws and your own family is pretty great or has its ups and downs, there are some situations that challenge your family boundaries. Just name a few here, for instance, family emergency or unexpected crisis, the birth of your first child, celebrating holidays, etc. The central principle is that you and your spouse need to align and are on the same page. If you and your spouse don’t see eye to eye regarding certain issues related to the in-laws, ensure that you convey your thoughts or feelings to your spouse, letting your spouse know why it is hard or frustrating for you. Remember that your spouse isn’t to blame for your in-laws’ actions as it might be tempting to take your anger or frustration out on your spouse. These challenges times are also the opportunities for the couple to learn how to stand together as a team, listening to each other attentively, empathically, and communicate openly.