Managing Conflicts Series 1: The Power of the 5:1 Magic Ratio
Often I hear my couples tell me “our fights come out of nowhere and we get escalated very quickly on trivial stuff. Couples don’t feel great about how quickly their conflicts get escalated and feel that they’re so out of control. One of the ways to help couples handle their arguments during conflict is to learn the magic ratio AND to find ways to add positivity during conflicts.
Dr. John Gottman studied thousands of couples and found that the difference between happy and unhappy couples is the balance between positive and negative interactions during conflict. There is a very specific ratio that makes their love last and that is so called “the 5:1 magic ratio”. It means that during conflict, a stable and happy marriage has five or more positive interactions for every negative interaction.
Based on Gottman’s observation on the married couples who have develop a long-term healthy relationship, they may be arguing, but they show signs of affection to the other person and they were able to make emotional connections in the midst of arguing. On the other hand, unhappy couples tend to engage in fewer positive interactions to compensate for their escalating negativity. If the positive-to-negative ratio during conflict is 1-to-1 or less, that’s unhealthy and indicates a couple is slowly heading towards the direction of separation or divorce.
So, what are some practical ways to add positivity to decrease the accumulation of negativity during conflict? The following is the list of things that are worthy of
Slowing down the conflict. There are many ways to slow down the conflicts. For instance, pausing for a few seconds, taking a few deep breaths. The Scripture has its wisdom “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” (James 1:16)
Conveying your understanding by reflecting what your partner just said and confirming if what you heard is what they just expressed. The whole point here is to step on the brake when tension starts to rise.
The power of acknowledging your partner’s perspective. It is human nature that in conflict we want the other person to know the position we stand on. Acknowledging your partner’s perspective can make your partner feel understood by you. And that helps to slow down emotional reactivity. For instance, say “I see your point.”
Similarly, validating your partner’s reality or your partner’s best interest is a way to acknowledge your partner. One example of this is “It seems to me that you’re having this in mind because… Am I correct?”
Showing humility. Showing humility helps to de-escalate conflicts, reduce defensiveness, and bring emotional connections. A practical way to show humility is to admit mistakes. Taking ownership for what you may not handle well (either partially or completely) shows your character and hopefully allows openness and opportunity to enhance relationships.
Finding what you and your partner have in common. During conflicts, your and your partner’s views can become more polarized, and it is tempting to focus on the differences rather than the views that you and your partner share in common. A practical way is to say “We talk a lot about what we disagree. Can we also make some space to talk about what we may align on this?”
To learn more about what the 5:1 magic ratio looks like in reality, please contact Dr. Ching-Ching Ruan for an initial consultation by contact or email at drchingchingruan@v2020counseling.com or call at (425) 310-2514.